An Expert’s Advice on Confrontation
NOTE: Today’s conversation touches on issues of mental health. Although we hope you find the insights helpful, we want to be clear that this content is for educational purposes only. If you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, please talk to a medical professional.
Today we talk to Dr. Noland White, Professor of Psychology at Georgia College & State University.
02:06 - Settling In
Dr. White gives us a run-down of his academic and professional history. We discuss the benefits of ropes courses. It’s all about facing challenges–even if you don’t overcome them.
Dr. White lists some of the courses he teaches and shares about his research pursuits. This includes everything from intimate relationships to ADHD.
07:59 - Confrontation
Tyler explains that we invited Dr. White today to talk to us about how to handle confrontation. Dr. White explains that, first of all, it’s a lot easier to know what to do than it is to actually do it.
That being said, he explains that the first step is to not take the conflict personally.
Eddie asks about the physiological responses to conflict. Dr. White talks about how these responses can be the signal that it might be time to step back. Let tempers cool. Do a “physiological sigh” and let the body’s fight or flight reflex recede. We also discuss “box breathing.”
Tyler talks about the challenges of focusing on these things in a true, real-world moment of confrontation. Dr. White says it certainly requires practice–and maybe getting feedback from your peers about how you handle situations.
17:40 - It’s Almost the Job
Eddie mentions that confrontation is a huge portion of the work done by many people in construction. He asks Dr. White to explain how to approach these situations when you know they’re coming. We discuss the importance of framing thoughtful questions that focus on the problem itself rather than the personal tensions.
Tyler confesses to blaming and assuming and also being a dumb butt. But he also says that he’s made progress toward coming to people with a more controlled tone. He mentions that self-deprecation can really help.
Eddie explains that recognizing the day as a series of confrontations–some large, some small–can lead you to maintain a readiness and keep the skillset ready for use.
25:23 - De-escalation
Tyler asks for concrete steps toward deescalation. Here’s Dr. White’s advice
-Recognize when you need to step away and digest the situation. If it can wait until you’re calmer, then wait.
-Realize that a direct confrontation doesn’t need to be bad. Front-loading of your work environment can help with this.
-Think about the best physical space and time of the day to have the conversation that needs to be had.
31:18 - Email and Tips for the Timid
Eddie requests advice for those who tend to avoid confrontation. Dr. White shares the importance of setting up strategies that enable you to have a couple productive confrontational conversations. This can break the loop that leads to an increasing fear of confrontation. Think of it as baby steps.
We discuss what to do when you’re tempted to write one of those spicy emails. Write the text and then let it sit for a few hours. Revisit it in a calmer state and revise before sending. Doris Kearns Goodwin does indeed claim that Lincoln practiced this simmer-down, delayed-send routine. Several of them he never even sent.
We discuss the fact that email and text messages are ripe for misunderstanding because of the absence of nonverbal communication. Eddie mentions that he wishes he’d have held onto a few of his from years gone by.
Another solution? Pick up the dang phone. Let someone hear your tone of voice. Tyler mentions Cal Newport’s thoughts on email.
42:28 - Anxiety
Tyler asks Dr. White for an explanation of anxiety. Tyler mentions that he didn’t experience true anxiety until his 20s. Dr. White shares his thoughts: Anxiety has various physiological manifestations. Anxiety comes from various sources or social circumstances. Anxiety is your body reacting to a situation that your mind for some reason perceives as a threat.
Part of the solution is to identify the source of the anxiety. We discuss some of the ways to get above the anxiety-inducing situations. Reach out to those who are in positions to give you insights and help.
52:20 - Megaphone Message
Dr. White shares this insight: You don’t have to be perfect. You can ask for help. You don’t have to do things the way you’ve always done them. Despite all of your experiences and all you’ve done, can you imagine that someone else’s experience might have been different.
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